Friday, November 6, 2015



I found this while looking through papers I should have tossed years ago so I cannot vouch for its authenticity but, having been a witness and a juror, I find it credible. 
Q: What is your brother-in-law’s name?
A: Borofkin.
Q: What’s his first name?
A: I can’t remember.
Q: He’s been your brother-in-law for years, and you can’t remember his first name?
A: No. I tell you I’m too excited. (Rising from the witness chair and pointing to Borofkin.) Nathan, for God’s sake, tell them your first name.”
Q: Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?
A: I refuse to answer that question.
Q: Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?
A: I refuse to answer that question.
Q: Did you ever spend all night with this man in Miami?
A: No.
Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
Q: Miss, were you cited in the accident?
A: Yes sir, I was so ‘cited I peed all over myself.
Q: Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
A: No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.
Q: What is your name?
A: Ernestine McDowell.
Q: And what is your marital status?
A: Fair.
Q: Are you married?
A: No, I’m divorced.
Q: And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
A: A lot of thing I didn’t know about.

Q: And who is this person you are speaking of?
A: My ex-widow said it.
Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
A: I will be three months on November 8th.
Q: Apparently the date of conception was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: What were you and your husband doing at that time?
Q: Mrs. Smith, do you believe that you are emotionally unstable?
A: I should be.
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
A: Four times.
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.
Q: Were you acquainted with the defendant?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: Before or after he died?

Q: What happened then?
A: He told me, he says, “I have to kill you because you can identify me.”
Q: Did he kill you?
A: No.
Q: Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition notice, which I sent to your attorney?
A: No. This is how I dress when I go to work.
THE COURT: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present information from your minds, if you have any.
Q: Did he pick up the dog up by the ears?
A: No.
Q: What was he doing with the dog’s ears?
A: Picking them up in the air.
Q: Where was the dog at this time?
A: Attached to the ears.
Q: When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?
MR. BROOKS: Objection.  That question should be taken out and shot.
Q: And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral.  Okay? What school do you go to?
A: Oral.
Q: How old are you?
A: Oral.
Q: What is your relationship to the plaintiff?
A: She is my daughter.
Q: Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?
Q: …and what did he do next?
A: He came home, and the next morning he was dead.
Q: So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?
Q: So, after the anesthesia, when you came out of it, what did you observe with respect to your scalp?
A: I didn’t see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.
Q: It was covered?
A: Yes, bandaged.
Q: Then, later on…what did you see?
A: I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head.
Q: Could you see him from where you were standing?
A: I could see his head.
Q: And where was his head?
A: Just above of his shoulders.
Q; Do you drink when you’re on duty?
A: I don’t drink when I’m on duty, unless I come to work drunk.
Q: …any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial”
A: The victim lived.
Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
A: Yes, I have been since early childhood.

Q: What is the meaning of sperm being present?
A: It indicates intercourse.
Q: Male sperm?
A: That is the only kind I know.
Q: (Showing man a picture.) Is that you?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: And you were present when the picture was taken, right?
Q: Was that the same nose you broke as a child?
A: I have only one, you know.


  1. Hysterical, Warren. Thanks for the Friday laugh!

  2. Warren, I was in a good mood when I got up, but after reading this and having a good laugh, I'm in great spirits. It makes you wonder if these people were just stressed or plain dumb.

  3. "And what is your marital status?"
    Priceless, Warren!

  4. Warren, this is too funny!! What a great start to a cloudy, rainy and gloomy day outside.

  5. Truth can be stranger -- and funnier -- than fiction!

  6. These are priceless! Thanks for the mood lifter. Glad I'm not a court attorney or a judge!