FROM TRANSCRIPTS OF ACTUAL COURT
CASES
I found this while looking through
papers I should have tossed years ago so I cannot vouch for its authenticity
but, having been a witness and a juror, I find it credible.
Q: What is your brother-in-law’s
name?
A: Borofkin.
Q: What’s his first name?
A: I can’t remember.
Q: He’s been your brother-in-law
for years, and you can’t remember his first name?
A: No. I
tell you I’m too excited. (Rising from the witness chair and pointing to
Borofkin.) Nathan, for God’s sake, tell them your first name.”
Q: Did you ever stay all night with
this man in New York?
A: I refuse to answer that
question.
Q: Did you ever stay all night with
this man in Chicago?
A: I refuse to answer that
question.
Q: Did you ever spend all night
with this man in Miami?
A: No.
Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your
first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And
by whose death was it terminated?
Q: Miss, were you cited in the
accident?
A: Yes
sir, I was so ‘cited I peed all over myself.
Q: Doctor, did you say he was shot
in the woods?
A: No, I
said he was shot in the lumbar region.
Q: What is your name?
A: Ernestine McDowell.
Q: And what is your marital status?
A: Fair.
Q: Are you married?
A: No, I’m divorced.
Q: And what did your husband do
before you divorced him?
A: A lot
of thing I didn’t know about.
Q: And who is this person you are
speaking of?
A: My
ex-widow said it.
Q: Do you know how far pregnant you
are right now?
A: I will be three months on
November 8th.
Q: Apparently the date of conception
was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: What
were you and your husband doing at that time?
Q: Mrs. Smith, do you believe that you
are emotionally unstable?
A: I should be.
Q: How many times have you
committed suicide?
A: Four
times.
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have
you performed on dead people?
A: All
my autopsies have been performed on dead people.
Q: Were you acquainted with the
defendant?
A: Yes, sir.
Q:
Before or after he died?
Q: What happened then?
A: He told me, he says, “I have to
kill you because you can identify me.”
Q: Did he kill you?
A: No.
Q: Mrs. Jones, is your appearance
this morning pursuant to a deposition notice, which I sent to your attorney?
A: No. This is how I dress when I
go to work.
THE
COURT: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present information from
your minds, if you have any.
Q: Did he pick up the dog up by the
ears?
A: No.
Q: What was he doing with the dog’s
ears?
A: Picking them up in the air.
Q: Where was the dog at this time?
Q: Where was the dog at this time?
A:
Attached to the ears.
Q: When he went, had you gone and
had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the
restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you
and she, with him to the station?
MR.
BROOKS: Objection. That question
should be taken out and shot.
Q: And lastly, Gary, all your
responses must be oral. Okay? What
school do you go to?
A: Oral.
Q: How old are you?
A: Oral.
Q: What is your relationship to the
plaintiff?
A: She is my daughter.
Q: Was
she your daughter on February 13, 1979?
Q: …and what did he do next?
A: He came home, and the next
morning he was dead.
Q: So
when he woke up the next morning he was dead?
Q: So, after the anesthesia, when
you came out of it, what did you observe with respect to your scalp?
A: I didn’t see my scalp the whole
time I was in the hospital.
Q: It was covered?
A: Yes, bandaged.
Q: Then,
later on…what did you see?
A: I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head.
A: I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head.
Q: Could you see him from where you
were standing?
A: I could see his head.
Q: And where was his head?
A: Just
above of his shoulders.
Q; Do you drink when you’re on
duty?
A: I
don’t drink when I’m on duty, unless I come to work drunk.
Q: …any suggestions as to what
prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial”
A: The
victim lived.
Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I
just lie there.
Q: Are you qualified to give a
urine sample?
A: Yes,
I have been since early childhood.
Q: What is the meaning of sperm
being present?
A: It indicates intercourse.
Q: Male sperm?
A: That
is the only kind I know.
Q: (Showing man a picture.) Is that
you?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: And
you were present when the picture was taken, right?
Q: Was that the same nose you broke
as a child?
A: I have only one, you
know.
Hysterical, Warren. Thanks for the Friday laugh!
ReplyDeleteWarren, I was in a good mood when I got up, but after reading this and having a good laugh, I'm in great spirits. It makes you wonder if these people were just stressed or plain dumb.
ReplyDelete"And what is your marital status?"
ReplyDelete"Fair."
Priceless, Warren!
Warren, this is too funny!! What a great start to a cloudy, rainy and gloomy day outside.
ReplyDeleteTruth can be stranger -- and funnier -- than fiction!
ReplyDeleteThese are wonderful, Warren!
ReplyDeleteThese are priceless! Thanks for the mood lifter. Glad I'm not a court attorney or a judge!
ReplyDelete