Writing and Guilt by Tammy Euliano

 

I speak only for myself, but I don’t think I’m alone…I feel guilty about writing. It’s my passion, but it’s not what puts food on the proverbial table. In fact, it removes said food in that I spend far more on courses and contests and conventions and advertising (yeah, messed up the alliteration there, sorry) than I make in royalties. And if I’m to believe the author salary data, that is unlikely to change.

Fortunately, my day job pays well, even as I’ve gone part time, though I feel somewhat guilty about that, too. My department is chronically under-staffed and would benefit from me working more, both clinically in the operating room and by mentoring junior faculty.

Then there’s my family. The kids are on their own (all three about to be in grad school), but I’m happily married and want to keep it that way, so I feel guilty writing in the evenings when I should be doing things with my husband, even though it’s my most productive writing time.

And what of those blessed two days off per week to write? Sadly, I can’t write eight hours straight. The dogs need to be walked, after all, and the tennis ball won’t throw itself for fetch, and sometimes my creativity and focus just wane (another thing to feel guilty for). Much as my dogs fail to listen, my characters choose to talk to me at inopportune times when I’m supposed to be doing something else.

Guilt here serves no purpose, and yet it’s there all the same. My husband is incredibly supportive, but has never found his own passion (other than for me of course J). For those without one, it’s difficult to understand how all-consuming it can be when the words are flowing and you don’t want to stop to marinate the @#$% chicken.

So what to do about guilt? About always feeling like I should be investing my time elsewhere? Family, friends, day job, writing, dogs, parents (not in that order, Mom!). I know you’re expecting an answer--the story of how I overcame those feelings and am the better person for it.

Yeah, I’m not there yet. I set an alarm now in the evenings. At 9pm I’ll join my husband and we’ll watch TV together. At least one night a week we go out with friends, and another night we Skype with the kids. I’m working on my tennis and golf games as couples’ time. I plan to lower the bar on my cooking – healthy but repetitious – so I don’t spend so much time looking for recipes and then complaining they didn’t work out.

Meanwhile, instead of guilt, I choose to feel blessed to have found my passion; fortunate for a day job that enables me to pursue it; grateful for my supportive family and friends, especially other writers; and delighted that my husband’s guy golf outing will take four hours on Saturday! Yeah, I still have some work to do.