I speak only for myself, but I don’t think I’m alone…I feel
guilty about writing. It’s my passion, but it’s not what puts food on the
proverbial table. In fact, it removes said food in that I spend far more on
courses and contests and conventions and advertising (yeah, messed up the
alliteration there, sorry) than I make in royalties. And if I’m to believe the
author salary data, that is unlikely to change.
Fortunately, my day job pays well, even as I’ve gone part
time, though I feel somewhat guilty about that, too. My department is
chronically under-staffed and would benefit from me working more, both
clinically in the operating room and by mentoring junior faculty.
Then there’s my family. The kids are on their own (all three
about to be in grad school), but I’m happily married and want to keep it that
way, so I feel guilty writing in the evenings when I should be doing things
with my husband, even though it’s my most productive writing time.
And what of those blessed two days off per week to write?
Sadly, I can’t write eight hours straight. The dogs need to be walked, after
all, and the tennis ball won’t throw itself for fetch, and sometimes my
creativity and focus just wane (another thing to feel guilty for). Much as my
dogs fail to listen, my characters choose to talk to me at inopportune times
when I’m supposed to be doing something else.
Guilt here serves no purpose, and yet it’s there all the
same. My husband is incredibly supportive, but has never found his own passion
(other than for me of course J).
For those without one, it’s difficult to understand how all-consuming it can be
when the words are flowing and you don’t want to stop to marinate the @#$%
chicken.
So what to do about guilt? About always feeling like I
should be investing my time elsewhere? Family, friends, day job, writing, dogs,
parents (not in that order, Mom!). I know you’re expecting an answer--the story
of how I overcame those feelings and am the better person for it.
Yeah, I’m not there yet. I set an alarm now in the evenings.
At 9pm I’ll join my husband and we’ll watch TV together. At least one night a
week we go out with friends, and another night we Skype with the kids. I’m
working on my tennis and golf games as couples’ time. I plan to lower the bar
on my cooking – healthy but repetitious – so I don’t spend so much time looking
for recipes and then complaining they didn’t work out.
Meanwhile, instead of guilt, I choose to feel blessed to
have found my passion; fortunate for a day job that enables me to pursue it;
grateful for my supportive family and friends, especially other writers; and
delighted that my husband’s guy golf outing will take four hours on Saturday!
Yeah, I still have some work to do.
