The Working Parents’ Olympics by Nancy L. Eady

As you probably know, the 2024 Summer Olympics are underway in Paris, France, except for the 2024 Summer Olympic surfing events, which are being held in Tahiti. Respectfully, I would like to suggest additional events to add to the roster of future Olympics that focus on more day-to-day type activities regular people participate in. We could call it the “Working Parents” division of the Olympics. 

Event One: Rush Hour Racing

Contestants begin at various points equidistant from the race’s end at the height of morning rush hour (for the qualifying heats) at the major city closest to the Olympic venue, with the finish line in the heart of the city’s business district. To provide a challenging twist, the race for the gold is held during Friday afternoon rush hour preceding a three-day weekend and is run from the business district to the suburbs. There would be time penalties given to contestants for road rage, swearing and any unfair tactics imposed on innocent drivers, but a contestant could also earn seconds shaved off of their overall time for successful management of stress and creative, productive uses of rush hour time.

Event Two: The Commuter’s Cup

Each contestant receives a carload of eight children with eight different activities to attend scattered across the Olympic venue. The task is to deliver the children on time to each activity; a contestant is automatically disqualified from the final round if the drive and delivery exceeds 45 minutes. The winner is the one that, in the final race, delivers the children to each designated activity in the least time. Shamelessly exploiting America’s inexplicable and insatiable appetite for reality TV, each car will be provided with a hidden video camera. To make the commuter cup races more realistic, two of the eight children must be related to each other, and there is at least one child secretly assigned the role of whiner and another secretly assigned the role of instigator.

Event Three: Grocery Store Relays

These races have both 400- and 800-meter races. The 400-meter teams are teams of 4, while the 800-meter teams consist of 8 parents. Each member of each team must complete a grocery shopping run in the shortest time possible.  The first four laps of the relay include a shopping list, $100.00 in spending money, and two children, although the ages of the children vary with each lap. To add the element of chance, during at least one lap of each relay race, randomly determined by drawing and hidden from the contestants, at least one child will demand an unexpected bathroom break.

The 1st lap includes a 1 and 2-year-old, the 2nd lap must be completed with a 3 and 4-year-old, the 3rd lap contestant races with a 5 and 6-year-old and (in the last lap for the 400-meter racers), the 4th lap comes complete with a 7 and 8-year-old.  To challenge the racers in the longer competition, the 5th lap will continue with two children, a 9 and 10-year-old, while the last three laps include one child, but with additional circumstances. The 6th leg of the 800-meter relay must be completed with an 11-year-old girl interested in leaving the store with one of everything she sees whether or not she needs it, while the 7th leg includes a tired 12-year-old girl or boy barely willing to move. Finally, the 8th lap must be completed with a hungry 13-year-old boy in a growth spurt – this situation challenges the contestants’ patience and wallet in one fell swoop!

Event 4: Multi-Tasking Muddle

Contestants are placed at various work sites with tasks to complete, some work related, some family related. The tasks require different skills ranging from negotiation skills to typing skills to budgeting. All tasks must be completed in less than one hour; the first contestant who finishes with the fewest mistakes wins the gold.

Event 5: Argument Arena

This final event in the first edition of the Working Parents’ Olympics provides the excitement of a table tennis match with the tension accompanying a scored event such as gymnastics. Teams of parents and children compete together, under topics such as “Room-Cleaning,” “House-keeping,” “Attending Other Events,” and “Activities Beyond Years.” The competition will be geared to different age levels – arguing with a two-year old (which bears a suspicious resemblance to arguing with a computer, except that the computer cries less and reasons more) is very different from arguing with a 13-year-old. Scores are based upon creativity of argument, tone (the less hateful and heated, the better), lack of sarcasm and use of humor. A parental contestant is disqualified if he or she uses the rejoinder “Because I said so,” while a child contestant is disqualified if he or she stomps a foot or makes a fist declaring, “You just don’t understand!” Each argument is restricted to three minutes. 

What do you think? Are there any events you would add or delete or change?  Anyone you care to nominate to represent their country in the first games?  Any children you are willing to donate to the cause?