Monday, February 22, 2016

Why I Don’t Want My Husband to Be Murdered

by Linda Rodriguez

I live in terror that my husband will be murdered. Not likely with the sweet, kind, lovable man he is, but I worry, nonetheless. “And why might that be?” you ask. Is it because he leads a disorderly, reckless life where such a thing might be a real possibility? Is he an addict or lover of risky behavior? No, he’s an almost boringly normal, law-abiding person. I worry because the police always look at the spouse first as the most likely suspect, and one of the first things they will do is to check my computer’s online history to find out what I’ve been researching, such as murder methods. And with me, they’ll hit the jackpot.

My online history includes searches about how much force is required at what angles to pierce the jugular vein, how to murder someone taking a blood thinner after a heart attack with rat poison so that it won’t show up in the autopsy, antifreeze poisoning and the amount to be fatal, what golf club would have to be used at what angle to kill someone with one blow to the skull, how fast a person would die if stabbed in different locations of the body, how to poison someone who’s been drinking with acetaminophen, and other fascinating, if morbid, topics.

I am not now—nor have I ever been—intending to kill my wonderful husband—or anyone else—but if someone else ever does, I’d have a hard time convincing investigators, prosecutors, and a jury of that with my weird online search history. Then there are all my emails to the Poison Lady, who answers my questions about poisoning someone with oil paints and other easily purchased items. Things might look very dark and damning for me.

Many of my friends face similar threats if their spouses were ever to die an untimely death by foul play. Foul play is our life’s work since we write mystery novels, and that makes us a very weird group of people who, while sightseeing in a new locale, remark that such and such a place would be a great place to stash a corpse. At professional conferences, we often disconcert the wait staff in restaurant or bar as we sit in groups, gleefully talking methods of slaughter and ways to escape discovery. There’s just something about a large group of mystery writers laughing hysterically about hiding bodies or a new murder technique or scheme to fool the police that seems to set wait staff’s nerves on edge. Fortunately, mystery writers tip extremely well.

Of course, the investigators of the murder I hope my husband never suffers will find more to throw them in a tizzy and confuse them. After living with me for so long and attending many of those mystery conferences, my husband has been known to comment on good places to hide a murder victim or great spots to have someone stumble on a dead body.  I just hope he hasn’t been researching murder methods. After all, he writes scholarly books, not mysteries, but he’s an excellent researcher. If he’s been looking at the best vein or artery to cut if you want someone to bleed out instantly, I’m going to start locking up the kitchen knives.


What about your internet search history? Would it stand up to a criminal investigation?

18 comments:

  1. No -- and at least as bad as the murder mechanisms I research, I even have a Google Alert on "Financial Crime" and a spreadsheet of current trends.

    ~ Jim

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  2. Ha! Linda -- so true. And, when people find out I write murder mysteries, my husband often tells them he sleeps with one eye open. Just in case.

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  3. So true! My husband is a wonderful resource for the chemistry of poisons, but refuses to discuss body decomposition. In my most recent story, I attempted to kill the victim with wet plaster of Paris. I see body dumps everywhere.

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  4. Oh, Jim, let's hope the IRS never comes after you!

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  5. Julie, I'm sure my husband says the same thing--when I'm out of earshot. ;-)

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  6. Margaret, you're married to your own version of the wonderful Poison Lady. How fortunate for you! My husband on the other hand is one of the world's experts on Yiddish drama and literature, but I just can't figure out how to make that work for a murder method.

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  7. I would be in trouble if Judy was killed by a breech-loading single shot rifle. Maybe I should stick to writing historical mysteries.

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  8. Our partners are good sports, aren't they? My husband has gotten used to my beside reading (currently A Is for Arsenic) but houseguests are still taken aback by my research material. This morning a friend who is staying over told me how much she enjoyed the lock picking section of 110 Deadly Skills, the Navy SEAL's handbook.
    My online search history mystifies even me! I can't understand how my searches into forensics somehow lead to email solicitations from J Date, Senior Date, and Hot Russian Ladies.
    I was searching remote prisons last weekend. I wonder what that will bring.

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  9. Warren, I think sticking to historical mysteries is a smart choice.

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  10. Shari, I foresee a number of collect calls from prisoners in your future.

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  11. Funny indeed. OTOH, I'm now thinking that writing mysteries would be a perfect cover for nefarious activities. No matter what one were to be caught doing, the "just doing research" excuse could be employed.

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  12. Oh, this is so true! And so much a part of my life. When I took my husband to the Writer's Police Academy he thought it was great that he had an audience interested in learning the offence and defence tactics of his particular branch of the martial arts. I understand (I was not in the bar at the time) that demonstrations were involved. My own search history would sink me in so many ways. Oh, that same husband, when we were dating, he told me he gave serious thought to asking me out again after he came to my house and found my bookshelves littered with poison books.

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  13. Kait, it sounds like you two are a match made in heaven.

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  14. Linda, I absolutely, love, love, love this blog. It makes me even more content with being single for 25 years now. I know my sisters sometimes try to shut me up when we're on vacation and I come up with an idea and talk about how to murder someone. And more than one person has commented on the books of poisons, especially poisonous plants I have on my library shelf.
    I must say that my son did willingly pose for a dead body for the cover of my first book, and when I came up with a new and very unusual way to murder the victim in my current book I'm working on, my sister said no way could that be done, and my son said not only could it be done that way, but told me in detail how. Maybe I ought to watch out for him. :-)

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  15. Well, Gloria, at least you won't be the automatic first suspect if one of them dies suspiciously.

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  16. Shari, maybe you should find out what the Hot Russian Ladies have to offer!

    I don't think my husband minds the book and internet research as much as the "live" research. Like the time I hauled him along, and he said it made him wonder when a convicted murderer, out on parole, gave him that "prison yard stare" and asked me, "He been treating you right?"

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  17. KM, that's priceless! Had me sputtering tea all over. I'll bet your husband was watching his back for weeks after that.

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