Less-than-Brilliant Lawbreakers

by KM Rockwood

When we write about criminals, often the characters we invent are thoughtful, determined and clever.

We usually don’t consider the very large contingent of criminals who do just plain dumb things.

When I worked in a medium security prison, I met both kinds, but far more of the ones who did dumb things. Like the guy on my work crew who left, only to return in a few weeks on a parole violation. His violation? He’d used his gate money to buy drugs at the bus station. From an undercover cop. He had approximately fifteen minutes of freedom, between when the prison van dropped him off at the bus station until he was swept up in the sting operation.

Or the fellow who robbed someone on the street and jumped into the back seat of a car at a stoplight, holding a gun and intending to force the driver to assist in his escape. He chose poorly. The car was an undercover patrol car on traffic enforcement. The driver was in uniform, but he had placed his distinctive hat on the passenger seat so it wouldn’t give him away. The officer merely reached up, grabbed the gun away from him, locked the doors and called for backup.

We all know stories of people who have done brilliant things like write bank hold-up notes on the back of a notice to report for a parole meeting (who doesn’t use things like that for scrap paper?) which of course includes the name and address of the culprit.

And the potential bank robber who was told by the teller that she needed to see some identification before she could give him any money, so he hauled out his driver’s license.

How about the one who, trying to wait until there were fewer people in the bank lobby, swiped his debit card and got a little cash prior to announcing the hold up?

Then there’s the guy who was stopped on the street by police because he met the description of someone who had just snatched a purse. When he demanded to know why he was being held, he was told they were waiting for the victim to see if there could be a positive identification. When the victim arrived, he blurted out, “Yes, officer. That’s the lady I stole the purse from.”

I wonder if he’s related to another fellow who was accused of stealing a purse. He didn’t have the purse when he was picked up. The victim identified him and lamented her losses, including an expensive cell phone. The arrestee said, “There weren’t no cell phone in that purse.”

The internet is the downfall of more than one criminal, like the guy hiding in a cupboard in his basement while

the police searched his home. He felt compelled to get on Snapchat and not only tell everyone what was going on, but announce his clever hiding place.

Someone used a wanted poster as his picture on Facebook. It wasn’t long before he was tracked down and arrested.

If someone has a warrant out for his arrest for murder, it probably isn’t such a good idea to announce and hold a press conference on his plans to sue the police for using excessive force in a previous incident the way a Chicago man did.

In California, two men robbed a fast food restaurant. They left the get-away car running in the parking lot. An employee of the restaurant, who saw what was happening, got in the car and hid it by driving it around the corner. The robbers tried to flee on foot, but were caught.

More than one criminal has inadvertently butt-dialed 911, giving an emergency dispatch operator an opportunity to hear, and record, the details of heist in progress.

Do you have any “dumb criminal” stories to add?