What Happened to Getting Along with Others?

Do not go gentle into that good night,

Old age should burn and rave at close of day;

Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

                  - Dylan Thomas

In the March 14^th issue of TIME magazine, Joel Stein, TIME’s humor columnist, wrote that he doesn’t get angry, but then started to question himself thinking that in the political arena, those who expressed the most anger seemed to be getting ahead. So he thought if he wanted to keep his job, he should find a class in anger un-management.  It was an interesting article, and in addition to making me smile at times, he did some research on what makes people angry.

I won’t say I never get angry, but it’s rare, and mostly if I do, I keep it to myself. Harsh words create more anger, and it’s best to ignore those who anger me. I find silence for the most part works better than angry words.

Of course, there have been times when I didn’t stew in silence, like the time my brother Jerry pretended to read from my journal behind a locked screen door. I was sitting on the steps with a neighbor boy I was sort of seeing. Neither of us were old enough to go on a date. Jerry went on and on inventing words I was supposed to have written about how Tom was such a good kisser, etc. etc. etc. All lies, while I was pounding on the door screaming for my mother and Tom was laughing. Yes, I could have punched my brother that day.

 

Another time was about twenty years ago when I was in a line at K-Mart waiting to check out when I heard a man behind me threatening two young boys. I had noticed the family before, and the boys were speaking quietly barely whispering as the woman and man were shopping. They seemed rather frightened. I had a feeling he was the mother’s boyfriend or a step-father. I turned around and lashed out at him telling him he was a coward. He’d never dare talk to a man like that,, and did it make him feel braver threatening women and children. I don’t remember all I said, but he was furious with me and ranted and raved, and then left the store without buying anything. The guy at checkout asked me if I was a teacher, and I said I was. Afterwards, I worried about my rage because I was afraid he would take it out on the kids and the woman.

 

So I Googled why people get angry. I only downloaded one article on the “7 Mistaken Assumptions Angry People Often Make.” by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker, licensed as both a psychologist and marriage and family counselor.  You can check it out at the following link:

http://Psychcentral.com/lib/7-mistaken-assumptions-angrypeoplemake/

 

Raging, shouting, name-calling, throwing things and threatening harm is all a big bluff. It’s the human equivalent of animal behavior. From the puffer fish that puffs itself up to twice its size to look more intimidating to the lion on the veldt who shakes his mane and roars, creatures who feel threatened posture and threaten in order to protect themselves and their turf. The display often is enough to get the predator or interloper to back off. If not, the fight – or flight – is on.

The seven mistaken assumptions angry people often make are:

1.      They can’t help it. They have lots of excuses. Women will blame it on their PMS. Women and men will blame it on stress, exhaustion or worries. Never mind others have all these problems, too. Angry people are giving themselves permission to rant because then they are very much in control.

2.      The only way to express anger is to explode. People who rage believe that anger is like the buildup of stream in an overheated steam engine, so it’s okay to blow off the steam in order to be OK, when in fact, raging tends only to produce more of the same.

3.      Frustration is intolerable. Angry people can’t sit with frustration, anxiety or fear. To them, such feelings are a signal they are being challenged. When life doesn’t go their way, when someone doesn’t see things as they do or they make a mistake, they simply can’t tolerate it. To them, it’s better to blow than to be left with those feelings.

4.      It’s more important to win than to be right. Chronically angry people often have the idea that their status is at stake when there is conflict. When questioned, they take it overly personally. If they are losing an argument, they experience a loss of self-esteem. At that moment, they need to assert their authority, even if they are wrong. When it is certain that they are wrong, they will find a way to prove that the other person is more wrong.

5.      “Respect” means that people do things their way. When another driver tailgates, when a partner refuses to go along with some play, when a kid doesn’t jump when told to do something, they feel disrespected. Making a lot of noise and threatening is their way of reasserting their right to “respect” by others.

6.      The way to make things right is to fight. Some angry people have learned this by having grown up with parents who fight. It is their “normal.” They haven’t a clue how to negotiate differences or manage conflict except by escalating.

7.      Other people should understand that they didn’t mean what they did or said when they

      were angry. Angry people feel that anger entitles them to let loose. It’s up to other people

       not to take seriously hurtful things they say or do. After all, they say, they were just angry.

I have abbreviated some of those seven assumptions angry people make. I know many people are upset over the anger that is being expressed this year in this presidential election year. I know I am. I went to Google for images of angry people to include in this blog. There were so many pictures of angry people of all ages, but I only noticed one of the candidates running in that glut of angry people images, and there were at least five images of that one candidate.

I can’t honestly say I never get angry. I get angry when I hear people denigrate others because of their race, religion, nationality or their gender identification. I get upset when I read about children being abused in any way, and it sickens me to hear of animal abuse.  As for ranting that only occurs when my siblings and I get together, then it’s ranting about politics, but never towards each other because we’re all on the same page with that. We may disagree with each other on some things, but not enough to say anything unkind.

Recently in a Belgian hospital, Mason Wells, a 19 year old from Utah, lay badly wounded with his head covered in bandages from the bombing. In an interview, the Mormon missionary calmly described his painful experience and then extended sympathy to fellow suffers. Wells expressed hope that they “feel the love that others have for them and how much we feel for them.” He had every right to express anger, but didn’t. It sort of humbles one, doesn’t it?

No, this is not me!

Dylan Thomas wrote his poem when his father was dying. I personally know what it’s like to be with loved ones as they were dying, but I hope when my time comes, like those of my loved ones, I won’t die angry, but at peace for a life well lived. I’m certainly far from being a saint, but I would like to be remembered as one who rarely was angry, did not look down on others, or said cruel words to hurt anyone.

What makes you angry?

How do you express your anger?