What to say (and what not to say)

What to say (and what not to say) to someone with major medical problems

I talked with a friend of mine who was recently injured in a dramatic automobile accident. Her life was never in danger but she had broken ribs and a broken sternum.  I only found out she had been injured when a friend of a friend told me.

During our phone discussion I mentioned that I would not tell anyone else about her injuries without her consent. She said she was not keeping the accident a secret but earlier in her life she had a lengthy major illness and as a result many people started to treat her like she represented her illness.  I said understood, having had a very similar experience.  To some well-intentioned people I have come to stand for cancer. We talked about what is helpful and what is not helpful when talking with someone who has a serious illness.  I thought I might share some of our thoughts in this blog.  Just about everyone at some point or another has family members and/or friends with serious medical problems.

Asking, “How do you feel?” is fine.  It shows concern. In our culture, when someone asks, “How are you?” he or she is rarely interested in a detailed answer about your health.  You might avoid that phrase. It is never wrong to ask: Is there something I can do for you or your family? Shopping, cooking, shuttling children, laundry and cleaning are some of the activities that can be very helpful to a family where one or more members are ill.  It may be helpful to ask about a specific idea. 

It doesn’t hurt to discuss your intended actions with the caretaker. After each of my two bone marrow transplants, because of my compromised immune system, for some time I could not eat food prepared outside my home. I could not have plants or children anywhere near me. A friend sent flowers, which was a sweet thought, but I never saw them. Other friends brought food that I could not eat.  People helped sometimes by giving my wife a break. They stayed in our house so she could leave.  That was while I was medically at risk. The doctors said I had to have a way to get to the hospital quickly at all times if certain symptoms occurred.

Taking children in the family on an outing, running errands, picking up needed medication, offering a shoulder to cry on and listening without judgment or giving advice are other helpful actions.

What not to say

Speaking only for myself here, I sometimes reacted to the statement, “You look good” with the thought —You mean you’re surprised I’m still alive?— at other times I wanted to say —I might look good but I feel like sh*t.  I know it’s supposed to sound encouraging.  To me it did not.

“You’re so brave,” is a phrase I find annoying.  There isn’t anything ennobling about coming down with an illness. I didn’t volunteer for it.  Some people respond to challenges by demonstrating good character, but they might not appreciate hearing about it.

Pitying someone puts you in the superior position. Treating someone like they embody the illness serves your needs, not the needs of the challenged person. 

Have you had a medical problem like mine?  What do you say to someone who is?

Or do you just avoid people who are medically fragile?