Friday, January 30, 2015

Do you ever get to feeling like you should be living up to your email?

Do you ever get to feeling like you should be living up to your email?

I almost giggle when some psychics on the web predict something horrible is about to happen to me while other email psychics forecast that something wonderful is on the way.   Make either prediction continually and eventually the prediction will come to pass.

On the other hand I have been told that (insert name) knows my deep dark secret. I was sorely tempted to reply so I could find out what it was.  Shouldn’t everyone have at least one deep dark secret?  Said person also knows my arrest records.  So do I.  There are none.  I might have been photographed at an anti-Viet Nam war rally when I was a college student, but that’s nothing special for someone my age. I haven’t been arrested yet.

Then there are the supposed official institutions such as the United Nations, the FBI and international governments that want my attention.  I’ve never been asked for input by any federal agency except for the IRS and Social Security. Who knows? Maybe I could contribute something useful.  Sometimes in the movies they sent a helicopter to pick up someone with special knowledge.  I am the world’s leading expert on… pretty much nothing.  Never mind.

Elizabeth just sent a note saying she has to have me in her life.  Well, Lizzy, you lived your entire life to this point without me.  I suppose you’ll have to make do with some other guy, inferior as he may be.  And who are you anyway?

Many times I have been advised that I have won or been awarded a ton of cash.  My policy is to accept this as factual just as soon as an armored vehicle drops off bags full of greenbacks at my house.  I do appreciate the FBI and other official agencies taking the time to assure me the messages are accurate.  I’d like to tell them: Please just send the cash over and get back to tracking fugitives, spying and other official duties. 

I once got a message that a researcher had found out fascinating information about my family background based on my last name.  Curiously the message did not mention my last name.  It was as if the message was being sent to millions of people with various last names.  Okay, you can bring the information over.  Set it down over there alongside those barrels full of money. 


Sorry email. Surely you have people with more exciting lives than mine. 

8 comments:

  1. There's a sucker born every minute, but apparently you're not one of them.

    However, I do understand that someone in Nigeria needs your help to transfer quite a bit of money out of the country. If you would just send your banking information...

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  2. Golly Gee, KM. Let me get back to you on that.

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  3. This is so funny, Warren. Most of those kind of messages go to the junk mail which I delete. When I was having a lot of trouble with pop ups for awhile, I got messages from some dating service I'd never signed up for and no interest in one to tell me about nice women in my area. What!!! And then there are those things in my junk mail about Viagra. Really! And the perky sounding woman on the phone who starts out with "Congratulations, you won . . ." before I hang up on her. And of course the tons of junk mail some even promoting a funeral director. Thank you very much, but that will be taken care of by others someday.

    Warren, I do think those of us of a certain age get more of these scammers because they think we're a. senile b. gullible or c. have huge stashes of money. The sad part is how often I read in the newspaper about the elderly falling for some of these scams.
    One more what I consider a scam is by some so called reputable charities when I get: "Final Notice" in big red letters on the outside of the envelope. Like they are never going to try to get money from me again????

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  4. I used to get many "lonely Russian women want to meet you" ads. I always wondered why they didn't meet one another. They's have a language in common and less distance to travel.

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  5. Today, I received an email from a woman who wants me to be a stand-in beneficiary and "collect the funds." I also received an email informing me that I've been selected for a free psychic reading. Maybe the reading will reveal the amount of funds I can collect.

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  6. My email and Facebook think my life is a LOT more interesting than it is. I just delete most of the spam, but my husband wonders about all the dating service ads I get. Good to know I'm not the only one!

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  7. My car broke down in Minnesota, and I don't have money to get it fixed. Will you please send a cashier's check to...

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  8. No matter how much they assure you that they will respect your privacy--they don't! Everything I buy online follows with emails even when I've told them I don't want their "special" offers. I unsubscribe, but it takes a while to be removed.

    The online market trackers also drive me nuts. Every ad I see reflects one of my recent purchases. So, like how many electric blankets do I need. If I already bought one, of course I want to buy a dozen more?

    I love when women write me love notes. My email address gives no clue as to my sex. But I think women are about 53% of the populations. So--right off the bat, they will be wrong 53% of the time. I don't know the gay percentage of women, but even if it is 3%, they will be wrong half the time. It's free so they don't care.

    It all clogs our in-boxes and junk folders.

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