I'd Rather Have Bacon...

Bacon, sausage, fruit...
but please, no craft vendors

I have been watching for local maple sugaring demonstrations, since I might want to use some aspects in my next book. When I found an article about two nearby festivals, I read them carefully. I’m not sure, though, that I’m all that interested in the pancake breakfasts they sell.

“What better way to celebrate winter than hot-off-the-griddle pancakes smothered in fresh, warm maple syrup partnered with local crafts vendors.”

I found that to be a bit disconcerting. Even if the craft vendors are well done, I think I’d rather have bacon with my pancakes.

Sometimes I wonder if it’s just careless use of the language, or if I’m missing something here.

In the same local publication, I ran across a report of a pedestrian accident.

“(She) was not seriously injured when she was struck by a car walking along the edge of the road.”

If a car is walking along the edge of a road, does it count as a pedestrian, too, or does it remain a vehicle whose operator has “failed to exercise due caution with a pedestrian in the roadway?”

Then I came to an advertisement for an evening featuring “Girl Scout cookies and wine pairings.”

I used to be a Girl Scout, but I don’t remember any wine pairings with the cookies.

There’s the advertising on a package of garlic bread I bought. It helpfully instructs, “Pull apart with real

Real garlic?

garlic.”

I’m not sure exactly how one uses garlic to pull anything apart. And if I do get that figured out, would it really hurt if I pulled it apart with fake garlic or  garlic powder?

And the package of raisins that says, “Why not try tossing over your favorite breakfast cereal?” It doesn’t specify whether it’s in the context of “tossing your lunch” or what.

Don’t forget the packaging that has “Do not turn upside down” printed on the bottom.

Or peanuts. One package carries the warning, “Warning-contains peanuts.” Well duh. Another actually has instructions: “Open package. Eat nuts.”

While foods account for many of these strange sayings, other products can have equaling puzzling messages. A small slow cooker stated it was “Suitable for two people or a 2 lb. roast.” Versatile cooker, that must be, since cooking two people would need considerably more room than a 2 lb. roast.

There’s also the security envelopes, that advertise, “Can’t see in; can’t see out.” Handy if you don’t want those little people you’re mailing to be able to see where they’re going.

The medical profession has its share of interesting happenings. “The patient lives at home with his mother, father and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week.”

Is this a good outcome, and if so, why did the pediatrician cry? “The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut, and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately.”

A newspaper notice from 100 years ago: “Boyle’s Brothers of the Emmitsburg Grain Elevator Co. have installed a 10 HP Westinghouse electric motor and are positioned to do grinding of all clients at short notice.” I do wonder how finely the clients are ground.

They haven't cast off clothes yet.

But my all-time favorite, which I may have mentioned here before, is:  “The ladies of the church auxiliary have cast off clothing of all sorts in the basement, and are available for viewing Mondays and Saturdays from 10 AM to 4 PM.”

If I need a break, I can always sign up for the “Prayer and Fast Retreat. All meals provided.”

Have you encountered any head-scratching notices lately?