Missed Yer Manners

Missed Yer Manners; Etiquette for Writers

Writers have an unusual job and they face unusual challenges in the area of etiquette. Therefore I have asked Missed Yer Manners to answer questions about situations unique to the authorial-inclined.

Dear MYM:

I was seated in restaurant the other evening with my wife attentively but unobtrusively eavesdropping on a group at a table across the restaurant discussing the dope dealer on their block when a couple came in and sat at the table next to ours. They had the bad taste to start a boring conversation about how well their children were doing at school and how much they liked their work. I could no longer hear the interesting discussion going on across the restaurant over their meaningless chatter. I could not think of an acceptable way to get Mr. and Mrs. Ordinary to shut up. What would you recommend I do next time this situation occurs?

No super ears

Dear No,

It is important to remain polite despite the provocation of those who do nothing to contribute to culture and civilization through the arts. To be fair we should not discount people who support activities of secondary importance such as medicine, theology, family, teaching, business, science, engineering, sewage removal and other necessary but not artistic endeavors. Along those lines, I cannot support suggestions made by other advisors like Emily Postal of jumping on the couple’s table and screaming at them while kicking their food and drink into their laps. (Besides, such actions tend to distract the people you were listening to and tabletops can be slippery.)

It is better by far to politely sneeze, cough, and gag while mentioning loudly that you cannot guarantee you are not still contagious with the Black Plague. You could suggest that they might feel more comfortable sitting farther away. Roll on the floor and regurgitate only if necessary. We do not want to cause the wait staff unnecessary work.

Dear MYM,

I was with a group of people working quietly on laptops in a coffee shop when a woman entered blathering loudly on a cell phone. After she picked up her order she sat at a table and continue to half-shout her end of the conversation into the phone. The coffee shop staff said nothing and one by one the quiet customers left. What could we have done?

My ears are still ringing

Dear My,

Oh, my. I am forced to admit that I find such rude behavior really annoying, even though it can inspire one to invent clever ways to murder and dispose of bodies. If this is a regular occurrence you might be able to convince the staff to add something extra to her drink, i.e., a laxative if she is moderately annoying or cyanide if she is intolerable. Note: Placing a partially eaten croissant covered in almonds next to the body is always a nice touch.

But be considerate. The first time it happens you might persuade the other customers to read aloud from their work and to move slowly to surround her table, increasing their volume as they get closer. They could politely explain that the volume of her speech meant they could not hear themselves think so they had to read out loud.

What other situations are handled best by courtesy?