Hello Freedom, the Facebook ad read. In the first photo, a
scantily clad woman arches her back, as nimble as Gumby. In the second, she
twists sideways, lithe and graceful in her midriff-baring cotton top. She is
maybe my age, but thinner, like some of those gym gazelles I envy. You know the
ones—they complain about buying a size FOUR at Anthropologie last week, so
they’re adding spin classes to the seventy-five hours they do on the treadmill.
I hate her. Also, I want to be her.
Hello Freedom. I imagine the ad is for a diet miracle that will
make me as slender as she is. Or maybe it’s an energy drink—never tried one,
but hey, if I could stretch myself into laws-of-physics defying yoga poses and
look like her I’d give it a shot. Or maybe it’s for an arthritis pill. Like
many women my age, I creak and groan in the mornings, my joints protesting even
a short venture to the kitchen. I’d love freedom from that.
But no. Hello Freedom, the targeted ad on my Facebook feed, is
for PEE-PROOF UNDERWEAR. Is this the demographic where I now belong? Does that
poor flexible woman have to be careful lest she mess herself during Bikram
Yoga?
I don’t want to disparage the problem. It happens, and the day
will come when I complain about it. And it’s sure not something I want brought
up on Facebook: “Hey, I just bought pee-proof panties! How many likes can I
get?”
It worries me what targeted ads will appear next. Gingko Biloba
to help with memory issues? Funeral home specials?
I prefer ads for river cruises in Europe or Alaska. Give me pics
of cotton flowy dresses that I can imagine myself wearing without looking like
a mattress that escaped its fitted sheet. Or pet products—show me that latest
litter box miracle, or the dog toy that can’t be dismembered in fifty seconds.
But please, Facebook, I’m begging you. No more ads with this
woman in my feed:
How do you handle annoying ads on your social media feeds?
