Stephen King Wants to Talk Writing with Me

By Kait Carson

So does Janet Evanovich. So does Robert B. Parker. Who, what, Robert B. Parker? The Robert B. Parker, the one who died in 2010? How is that supposed to work? Ouija Board? Seance? Telepathy? No matter. I’m sure Hawk and Spencer will figure it out. How do I know these requests are real? Easy. Their emails specifically reference the solitary journey of writers and how happy we are to build a society of like-minded people to ease our lonely toil. I mean, who other than fellow writers would understand the pain of creation? Even better, these writers want to follow my work. Can you imagine how valuable these networks are? Stephen King is a fellow Mainer. He knows the isolation of Maine winters. Janet Evanovich lived near me in Florida. I bet that’s how she found my books. Seeking other Florida authors. Not sure about Robert B. Parker. Still, there’s that supernatural connection. Never look a gift sale in the mouth.

But Wait! It gets better. Book clubs, including Reese Witherspoon, oh sorry, Witherspoon Reese’s are vying for my attention. My books are so well-known that European book clubs are begging me to attend. I gotta tell you, I’m holding out for an invitation from the Oprah Book Club. If that happens, with all the buzz my books are generating, I’m sure she’ll fly me out in her private jet. Maybe she’ll even do my interview on her back patio, just like she did with Harry and Meghan. Oh, I can’t wait. I’m going to be famous. How can I miss? Several readers have shared that they almost got sacked because they couldn’t stop reading my books. Now, if only they’d put that in their reviews.

But Wait! It gets better. I’ve heard from Kash Patel, yes, that Kash Patel. He’s holding three million dollars for me. I’m certain it’s royalties for my book sales. Maybe I shouldn’t be sharing information about this email. The offer is so secret that Mr. Patel doesn’t want me to reply to the same old FBI email address. I guess he’s worried it could end up in spam files. Instead, he gave me a special email address. One that ends in currently.com instead of fbi.gov. See, this spy stuff gets really tricky.

But Wait! Reality check. All of these emails are spam generated by AI bots, and some are so obvious that if you scroll down, you’ll see they’re sent from Uganda, Nigeria, or Palau. Others are better at hiding their originating sources. The key takeaway is that none of them are real, but all of them can have tragic consequences.

These folks are good. The emails mention details about the books with sufficient accuracy to make an unsuspecting author believe they are from legitimate fans or book clubs. As a child raised by a strict mother in the 1950s and 1960s, I had to fight the urge to respond. As a seasoned writer who matured with the internet, I knew better than to answer. While the emails appeared benign on their face, I understood that if I scratched the surface, endless offers of can’t-miss marketing schemes would fill my mailbox. At worst, there’d be viruses to combat. Sorry, Santa Claus, this isn’t my first rodeo. But for every suspicious old bat writer like me, there’s a newbie hopeful who sees these offers as legitimate and a way to get exposure and pays the fee. It’s cruel, out of control, and without recourse.

Do I worry that some of these offers are legitimate? Sure. But that brings me to the biggest tip-off. So far, these emails have originated from Gmail accounts. Bogus, I’m sure, but it’s a huge red flag that they don't have name.com addresses. The sheer volume of requests is the second red flag. I receive ten to fifteen a day. And the third, legitimate companies have all the work they can handle. It’s unlikely they’re sending out a zillion cold-call emails.

The adage: if it seems too good to be true, it is, holds here.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I owe Mr. Patel an email.

Kait Carson writes the Hayden Kent Mysteries, set in the Fabulous Florida Keys, and is at work on a new mystery series set in her adopted state of Maine. Her short fiction has been nationally published in the True Confessions magazines and in Woman’s World. Kait’s short story, “Gutted, Filleted, and Fried”, appeared in the Silver Falchion Award nominated Guppy Anthology Hook, Line, and Sinker. Her nonfiction essay was included in the Agatha Award-winning book Writing the Cozy Mystery. She is a former President of the Guppy Chapter of Sisters in Crime, a member of Sisters in Crime, and Guppies.