Two Current Editing Peeves

My current writing tasks include editing others’ novellas and rewriting some of my own work. If you are a published author, you may not want me reading your book while I am in this strongly focused editing mode, because I notice flaws (or at least what I consider flaws). Recently two have stuck out in books I have read.

Redundant Fluff in Writing

She shrugged her shoulders and … and I’ve stopped and mentally crossed out her shoulders. Have you tried shrugging a leg recently?

He nodded his head. Try nodding your knee a few times. How did that go?

She reached her hand. Now, I’ll grant one can reach a foot or a toe, or with a tongue, even with an elbow, but if it’s a hand we’re talking about, my sense is that the reader presumes the reaching is done by a hand unless you specify another body part.

Sometimes I trip over a flabby modifier that should either be eliminated or strengthened. For example, “There were about six thingamabobs.” Occasionally the story does revolve on there being about six of something, but most often six or a half-dozen suffices.

Order Counts – Telling does not equal foreshadowing

I’ve noticed several instances where the presentation order in exposition, or a combination of exposition and dialogue, is off. Often the sequence involves a tell coming before the show that illustrates the point. Consider this bit (totally made up):

Hannah was so mad she couldn’t talk. Steve slammed out of the car, closing the door so hard her ears ached from the bang and her sunglasses dropped from the overhead compartment. “Up yours,” he shouted. Grabbing for the sunglasses before they hit the gearshift, she knocked them under the seat. While retrieving them, she scratched the right lens beyond repair. Her fists tightened so hard in anger she snapped the earpiece. “You . . . you.” A vision of her dead mother appeared before her, and she couldn’t spit out the cussword she had intended.

Don’t you agree this would be stronger without the first sentence? I think as writers we stick in that first sentence to remind us where we are going. That’s fine for an early draft, but it should be excised before the final version. And did Steve utter his words after he had gotten out of the car and slammed the door? Or had he spoken those before or during his exit?

For public speeches, we are often advised to “tell them what you are going to say. Say it. Tell them what you just said.”

For fiction, we don’t need the introduction, and if the show is done well enough, the reader knows exactly what happened and how the character feels about it, so we don’t need the retelling, either.

An example of this problem starts with a summary sentence, say: Hannah was glad the day had gone so well, even though it had a miserable start.

The author then takes us through Hannah’s actions throughout the day, all in the past tense. Even well written, the bad stuff happening to Hannah lacks suspense because we already know she considered the day had gone well.

Okay – those are my two complaints for the day. What’s bugged you in recent reads that you wish the author or editor had fixed?

~ Jim