Self-written Obituary by Warren Bull

Self-written Obituary by Warren Bull

Image by Mayron Oliveira on Unsplash

I shared an obituary written by a daughter about her father on WWK before. Below is an obituary written by a young woman before her death that is also well worth sharing. I regret that I never met Ashley Ann Kuzma. I think I would have liked her. The obituary was published in the Erie Times-News.  It was also published online and a number of news organizations have reprinted it. I think she wouldn’t mind if I share it too.

Ashley Ann Kuzma

Self-Written Obituary
_{1987 - 2019}

When you have recurrent laryngeal cancer that just won't take no for an answer, you have a lot of time to think about death. The good thing is I no longer have to worry about saving for retirement, paying off student loans, or trying not to get skin cancer??? One positive outcome from having recurrent cancer was that it taught me to let go of the insignificant things and to just enjoy the people and places. After three recurrences, my body finally had enough and I passed away on Sunday, September 22, 2019, at the Cleveland Clinic.

I was born on May 21, 1987, in Beaver County, Pa. I grew up in Conway and attended Freedom Area High School (class of 2005). I earned a Bachelor's in History and Political Science from the University of Pittsburgh (class of 2009), where I also became a member of Kappa Delta Sorority. I completed my teaching certificate and Master of Education degree at Edinboro University of Pennsylvania. After I graduated high school, my family moved to Erie. While I spent a few years teaching in Lancaster County, I returned to Erie to plant my roots and became a gifted support teacher at McDowell Intermediate High School. In my spare time, I enjoyed reading, cuddling with my cats, wine tasting, relaxing on my dad's boat, watching movies, golfing, decorating my house, watching football (go Steelers!), appreciating a good sunset, and watching TV shows like Grey's Anatomy, the original Will and Grace, and Friends. While in college I spent a semester abroad in London and was able to travel to Paris, France, Krakow, Poland (it had been a goal of mine to visit Auschwitz for many years), Milan, Venice, Florence, and Rome, Italy. Some of my favorite family vacations include experiencing the awe of the Grand Canyon and enjoying the sun, sand, and family time in the Outer Banks. After I found out my cancer was back for the fourth time, I went to Mexico and saw Chichen Itza. I am extremely grateful for the life that I lived. I was fortunate to have a loving family, supportive friends, a stable and meaningful job, and a house to call my own. My wish for you is to stop letting insignificant situations stress you out. Do what is important to you. Relax and enjoy the company of those around you. What do you value in your life? In the end, that's what matters.

I am survived by my wonderful parents, John William Kuzma and Vicky Lynn (Barron) Kuzma of Fairview, Pa.; my sister, Kristen Marie Kuzma of Clinton, Pa.; our family dog, Lizzy; my cats, Archie and Stella; my maternal grandmother, Verda Ann (Durst) Barron of New Brighton, Pa.; and many aunts, uncles, cousins, and many friends.

I was preceded in death by my paternal grandparents, John Allen Kuzma and Dolores Marie (Gajewski) Kuzma; my maternal grandfather, Robert Eugene Barron; my childhood cat of 18 years, Sammy; our beloved family dog of 17 years, Dylan; and my cat, Leo.

Since I think viewings are too sad for everyone, I requested that my family host a celebration of my life. Please join them on Sunday, October 13, 2019 from 12:00 p.m. to 4:00 p.m. at the Perry Highway Hose Co. Oliver Rd., Erie, Pa. In lieu of flowers, please send donations to the Humane Society of Northwestern Pennsylvania (Erie Humane Society), Orphan Angels Cat Sanctuary & Adoption Center Erie, Pa., or , Cleveland, Ohio.

This obituary was written by Ashley preceding her passing as part of the many preparations to make the transition easier on her family.

Published in the Erie Times-News on Oct. 3, 2019

What would you say if you wrote your obituary?

Mystery Writers’ Prompts by Warren Bull

Mystery Writers’ Prompts by Warren Bull

Image by Warren Wong on Upsplash

Mystery writers know how deceiving appearances can be. Among suspects, the most innocent looking may be the killer. The apparently guilty party may be innocent. So I have put together a series of newspaper articles in which the alleged perpetrators seem to be guilty.  Your task is to write an explanation of how and why the person charged is, in fact, not guilty.  The exercise gets harder as it goes on.  Good luck and write on.

1) Deputies gave chase to Reliford Cooper III, 26, after catching him speeding at around 7:45 p.m. on Wednesday. Cooper allegedly fled, ran a stop sign, drove through two ditches and eventually crashed into a house.

Cooper took off on foot and sought refuge in a nearby church, but churchgoers chased him off the premises, according to a police report obtained by The Smoking Gun.

While he was being handcuffed, Cooper told deputies, “I wasn’t driving that car,” the report said. He then allegedly elaborated, “My dog was driving that car.”

The deputy who arrested Cooper noted he smelled “the strong odor of an alcoholic beverage, as well as an odor of burnt marijuana.”

No dog was actually spotted in Cooper’s vehicle, Dave Bristow, a spokesman with the Manatee County Sheriff’s Office, told The Huffington Post. Bristow also noted that there have been no new developments in the case since Cooper’s arrest.

Answer: This is an easy one. Just because there was not a dog present when the police arrived, does not mean Cooper’s dog had not been there before. Aware that he was under the influence and should not drive home, Cooper pulled over to search for a phone, accidentally leaving the car motor running. His beloved pooch hopped from the backseat into the front seat and the car took off. Cooper gallantly dived back into the car and tried to stop the vehicle. He failed but he then rushed into the church in hopes of finding a phone.

He was careless and is responsible for damage done, but his intentions were good. The next ones are harder.

2) After seeing a white Audi Q5 driving down Illinois Route 2, a concerned citizen phoned the police and said that a large blue inflatable pool was balanced on the roof of the vehicle. 

Mind you, this is a four-lane highway outside of the downtown area. So it’s no wonder this stunt freaked people out.

Two young children, kids, were in the pool as it was driving down the road. Are you kidding me?

The Dixon Police Department said in the press release that officers had searched the area in order to find the vehicle. When they found it, it was still driving down the road.

They stopped the vehicle, obviously. Jennifer A. Janus Yeager, 69, was arrested at the scene. 

She was charged with two counts of Endangering the Health or Life of a Child and two counts of Reckless Conduct. 

She was also cited for failure to secure a passenger under the age of 8 and under the age of 16. How does this even happen, they’re your kids!

When Yeager was interviewed, she was asked why she would do something so dangerous, and illegal. ”During the course of the investigation, it was learned that Yeager drove into town to inflate the pool at a friend’s house and had her two juvenile daughters ride inside of the empty pool to hold it down on their drive home,” according to the press release.

Yeager was taken to the Dixon Police Department where she was processed and released after posting bond. 

She has yet to enter a plea and it is not known if she has retained an attorney to speak for her. Yike.

Comment: Notice how the reporter’s comments suggest that Yeager is guilty. How can she expect to have an unbiased jury? I’m sure you can come up with a scenario that explains her actions as reasonable.

3) Police in Oklahoma had quite the surprise when they pulled over a car with an expired tag.

The car turned out to be stolen, and police said they found a canister of radioactive uranium, a rattlesnake and an open bottle of Kentucky Deluxe whiskey.

A Guthrie officer pulled over the car June 25 and spoke with the driver, later identified as 41-year-old Stephen Jennings.

Police said Jennings’ driver’s license was suspended and the car he was driving had been reported stolen. He reportedly told officers that he had a firearm in the center console, and there was a timber rattlesnake in an aquarium in the back seat.

Officers said they searched the car and found a gun and an almost full open bottle of Kentucky Deluxe whiskey. Jennings and his passenger were placed in police custody, officers said.

A silver canister containing a yellow powdery substance was also found inside the car.

“The canister advised that the yellow in color powdery substance was uranium,” the police report stated.

Crews with the Emergency Management Institute responded and verified that the substance was radioactive material. Police said they took possession of the substance for safekeeping.

Jennings has been charged with a felony count of possession of a stolen vehicle and misdemeanor counts of transporting an open container of liquor, operating a motor vehicle with a suspended driver’s license and failure to carry a security verification form.

His passenger, Rachael Rivera, is charged with possession of a firearm after a felony conviction.

Comment: You can see why I saved this one for last. It is a challenge. I look forward to your answers.

Five Writing Numbers by Warren Bull

Five Writing Numbers

Image by Amador Louveiro on Upsplash

Although there are no absolute rules in writing and I have never seen the process accurately reduced to an equation, I have developed a number of relevant numbers that help me evaluate written work.

One. A writer has one chance to engage a reader, an agent, an editor or a publisher. I cringe when I hear a writer say, “Oh, I deal with that in the next chapter (page or paragraph.)  The audience may not read that far if they don’t have a reason to continue reading right now.  Gonna’ bring in the fireworks or send a man into the room carrying a gun? Do it now.

Two. If I see two !s on page one, I am not likely to read the page at all. I have read too many examples of a writer trying to use punctuation to express emotion. I hesitate when I see one ! on page one. Vivid writing does not need any. Well, okay, one if you absolutely must. !s make me think people are shouting. I have never read a story where !s have a positive effect.

Three is about the absolute number of characters readers can keep in their minds in the opening of a story. Two human and a pet can work. When the number of characters exceeds the number of pages, the audience has already lost track. Reading will soon be replaced by something more engaging like clipping fingernails. Do you remember meeting your significant other’s family at a holiday? What I recall is that after two minutes, I knew none of the names. I did not remember if the person talking with me admired General Lee or General Grant. I could not tell if the person in the corner was eyeing me with lust, disgust or was so nearsighted that I was out of their visual field.

Four. There are four things a writer should do that will not guarantee that their work will get accepted. First, read the submission guidelines carefully. Second, comply with the submission guide. I have attended writing conferences that have small groups of writers presenting a selection of their work to an agent in hopes the agent will ask for a larger sample and possibly consider representing the writers. Every time at least one writer in the group presented something different from the guidelines. And none of those authors was asked to send in more of their work. Third, respond to requests quickly. Fourth, respond to requests politely.

Five. The reason writers should do four the things that do not guarantee acceptance, is that, if they do, their submission will move from immediate filing in the circular file receptacle on the floor that is  known as the trash can, to a pile that could be labeled, “maybe.”